Diving into the Unknown

Why do I let myself doubt my potential all the time? When I was a kid it seemed as if anything was possible - that I could do or be anything that I wanted to be but as I get older, it feels as if my options are running out.

Have my options really run out or is there time to change to get back on course? Do I have to lead this half life forever or can I break free and grab hold of the ideas that can make it better my life complete. I know in my heart that my ideal life can only be led, if I can break free from the prison of self doubt. I need to recapture and foster the tiny kernel left of the spontaneity, joy of living and the ability to play that I had as a child. I must pay attention to what my heart is telling me is true.

I don't want to be eighty and look back and find no purpose to my life! So starting here and starting now, I'm going to step out on faith and take that leap into creativity that beckons my soul - I'll let you know how it goes!

Ocean of Lost Dreams

I have spent the better part of my life struggling to achieve my dreams. I have felt in my soul the need to present to the world my innermost being through creativity but lately have found myself cast adrift on an ocean of lost dreams.

I've dropped anchor and have given up my quest and it is eating up my soul. There is an indescribable pain in feeling as if your dreams will not come true. I can't find the meaning in going to work at a job I have no passion for, being in relationships that don't capture my heart, and feeling powerless because I can't or won't buy into the concept of money.

I don't want to just buy stuff to stuff down my dreams! I'm here on this plain for a limited time and all I want to do is experience the meaning of why am I here. I used to have faith that one day this would be understood but I feel that everyday I am closer to death without knowing my purpose.

I don't need fame or riches (although they would allow me to realize my dreams), all I need to know is that when all is said and done - is that I mattered.

Drag Me to Heaven

Sick and delirious in bed I stumbled upon a gem of a show that made my inner gay man want to get up and shout "I feel good".

Logo's Rupaul's Drag Race is a reality show that has combined several of my guilty pleasures of reality programming like Top Model and Project Runway into a drag-licious delight.

I love when Rupaul sans drag comes into the workroom a la Tim Gunn to offer his critique to the drag queen hopefuls up against a costuming deadline or when he sashays out in all his drag glory to lead a panel of judges that includes fashion designer Santino Rice.

He gives Tyra a run for her money with a figure to die for, spot on commentary and his feel good ending with the phrase "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love someone else?"

Just don't be surprised if you fall out of your seat with laughter every time the contestants have to lip sync for their lives. You'll truly be in Drag Heaven!

Bringing Courtesy Back!

I'm ticked off. Lately, a letany of perceived rudeness of epic proportions has left me wondering what has happened to common courtesy? Has the advent of technologies such as cell phones, e-mail, Facebook, Myspace, etc. made courtesy an outdated token?

Guess what - NO - it has not!

Since it appears there is a need to be schooled in common courtesy here is my crash course to getting your courtesy up to par:

• Stop answering your cell phone in the company of friends, family, acquaintances or business colleagues unless absolute necessary - doing so tells those in your company that their presence isn't important.


• Return phone calls within 24 hours and not with a text message - if someone has taken the time to call, they need your response in a timely manner. (I'm still waiting for a call from a friend who lives in a region recently struck by an earthquake and their lack of response has caused me to visualize a number of horrible scenarios, which could be laid to rest by a simple return phone call!)


• Write Thank you Notes to those who attend and bring gifts for your Baby Shower, Wedding, Graduation, Birthday, etc. - doing so shows your appreciation for their time and effort. (With the availability of e-cards you just look doubly thoughtless and lazy when you don't!)


• Return e-mails, Facebook or Myspace messages within 3 days. (Beyond this - know that I think you're an unfeeling jackass!)
  

Granted I am old fashioned but I believe that by adhering to common courtesy, technology can bring us all closer together and foster a caring community. Here's to bringing courtesy back!

No Resolutions!

It's another year and unlike a lot of people, I'm not making any resolutions for the future. Instead I'm focused day by day, moment by moment.

This time last year, I was feeling really depressed and it had begun to weigh me down physically and mentally. I didn't recognize who I was anymore and I didn't like my life or what I saw in the mirror. I remember being in tears and feeling "enough is enough"and it was in that moment that I resolved to live the life that I wanted regardless of my current circumstances.

I stopped waiting for the perfect time to start a diet or exercise, I stopped trying to avoid activities that I wanted to do because I wasn't skinny enough, I stopped putting myself down, stopped eating if I really wasn't hungry or if the food didn't taste as good as the first few bites, stopped allowing people in my life to hurt me and STOPPED trying to be perfect.

I started to pamper myself, tried new things, began doing the physical activities that made me feel good - like dancing, started putting on makeup for no other reason but to look cute for myself (even if I didn't leave the house that day), I started to savor and cook new healthy foods, and most importantly - I started to BELIEVE that it really is possible to live the life of my dreams if I BEGIN with the present moment and leave the past where it belongs!

I know it might seem like a silly concept BUT amazingly - this past year I've lost 51pounds without killing myself in a gym, improved my self-esteem, invested more in my family and friends, accomplished professional and personal achievements and have found a new joy in life.

It's exciting to SEE moment by moment my transformation into the person I've always wanted to be!

Role of a Lifetime!

I wonder if we had to audition for life - if I would I be cast as the principal character of my own life's story?

Sometimes when I lose motivation, doubt my talents, or compare myself to other leading ladies - I KNOW I wouldn't make the cut. Caught up by obstacles, too often I can forget that this life has a role that I was born to play!

Luckily for me, I didn't have to audition for the part - because the director believed enough in my talents, regardless of my shortcomings to give me the lead.

I have to learn to accept this exciting opportunity of life. To delve deeper into my character and experience more than just acting by sharing with my audience the beauty of my humanity and soul, how I discover and explore ways to transcend mediocrity by learning the beauty crystallizing a string of moments together and transforming them into the role of a lifetime!

Going Involuntarily Green for 30 days

In a story too convoluted to post - I have spent the past month going involuntarily green. I got reacquainted with public transportation and learned surprisingly - it isn't that bad. Once you get the schedule down and accept that any destination will add an extra 1/2 hour to hour of commute time, it's pretty easy to get to and fro and the amount of "undesireables is pretty low. I quite enjoyed having a latte, reading a book and arriving at work stress less from not having to deal with road rage.

Unsurprisingly, some of my destinations where a pain in the caboose to get to, but hearken my trusty bike and I was quickly able to get where I needed to go in a jiff!

Having already chosen a geographic location to live that has MOST of my needs in close vicinity, I was able to reduce my carbon foot print and lose 10 lbs in a month!

Will I completely give up my right to drive? NO, but what I have learned in the past month WILL continue to be a part of my new routine - Hail to my new trusty stead!