Writing My Wish List

Recently, I've been feeling out of touch with myself. I used to dream of wonderful things, feeling that with enough hard work I could achieve anything I set my mind to. Yet, something happened along the way...but now with a sliver of hope, I don't want to wander in the blistering desert of forgotten dreams any more. I want to be awake. I know if I don't do something to hang on, to reach, and strive for more, I'll become paralyzed.

I know before too long, I'll end up a scared, fearful old lady wallowing in my bed in an old folks home...waiting for my time to die, haunted by the things I never did.

Nine years ago, I moved to New York a week before 9-11 (just my luck) and feeling angst about inner/outer turmoil, I took to writing in my journal. Through my writing, I discovered a curious thing - I would write down things that I wanted to for that day, and lo and behold it would happen! I'm not talking about tasks, but things I wanted...like wanting a certain friend to call, getting a interview, etc. It felt like magic!

I don't know how I forgot about this, but in the routine of my life I lost the ability to dream of things that I wanted to achieve this life. Luckily for me, when perusing through a bookstore (one of my favorite things to do) I came upon the book "Write It Down, Make It Happen" by Henriette Anne Klauser and was reminded about the magic of writing down the things you wanted to achieve.

For me, this was eye opening and at the same time invigorating. Before bed, I wrote down the things I wanted and realized that through some effort, most if not all were things that I could really achieve in this lifetime. This morning I woke up excited to get started living the life I want!

What follows is my wish list (in no order of importance):

• Write a book and screenplay


• Learn to play the guitar


• Learn to speak Spanish fluently


• Have a nice comfortably home with a vegetable/flower garden


• Be able to support a charity


• Travel the world


• Be a board member for something


• Be a good parent


• Act in a movie (Big Budget)


• Get to a healthy weight


• Go to the Oscars (with a date) and the after party!


• Love God, myself and others


• Die a peaceful or unfearful death


• Have a loving, romantic relationship with a man (dreaming of Zachary Levi)


• Run a marathon


• Dress in a feminine style (accessories and high heels)


• Be a Lady


• Have a monthly income of $20,000+


• Be able to support my Mom and Aunt in old age


• Have good fulfilling friendships


• Go on a medical mission trip


• Live in a foreign country for a few years


• Feel successful


• Start a family trust


• Have nice feet (I hate to show them - rather go naked)


• Dance


• Have a production company


• Have my own network channel


• Tone my body


• Provide for my child so that my child can start working on dreams early


• Get involved in positive activities that increase my knowledge


• Meet Oprah, President Obama, Zachary Levi (ah...to dream!)


• Have a pirate chic themed wedding of my dreams


• Go to a movie premiere


• Have a spot at the table with Chelsea Handler


• Guest star on SNL


• Do stand-up comedy


• Be pain free


• Stop fighting with my family (love but sometimes...)


• Win the lottery (huge jackpot)


• Own some real estate (apartment complex, offices, homes, etc.)


• Start a non-profit organization


• Swim in the Caribbean Ocean


• Take a big family trip to Alaska (see the northern lights)


• Start a clothing line


• Get a weave


• Have a son named Noah


• Be happy and free from depression


• Have custom made clothes and shoes


• Make someone happy


• Have a room in my house for painting


• Make a music video


• Stop living in poverty


• Help under privileged youth gain knowledge of the world


• Record a song


• Ride a horse in period costume on the beach


• Have a dog, goat, sheep and horses


• Live a simple Green lifestyle

Diving into the Unknown

Why do I let myself doubt my potential all the time? When I was a kid it seemed as if anything was possible - that I could do or be anything that I wanted to be but as I get older, it feels as if my options are running out.

Have my options really run out or is there time to change to get back on course? Do I have to lead this half life forever or can I break free and grab hold of the ideas that can make it better my life complete. I know in my heart that my ideal life can only be led, if I can break free from the prison of self doubt. I need to recapture and foster the tiny kernel left of the spontaneity, joy of living and the ability to play that I had as a child. I must pay attention to what my heart is telling me is true.

I don't want to be eighty and look back and find no purpose to my life! So starting here and starting now, I'm going to step out on faith and take that leap into creativity that beckons my soul - I'll let you know how it goes!

Ocean of Lost Dreams

I have spent the better part of my life struggling to achieve my dreams. I have felt in my soul the need to present to the world my innermost being through creativity but lately have found myself cast adrift on an ocean of lost dreams.

I've dropped anchor and have given up my quest and it is eating up my soul. There is an indescribable pain in feeling as if your dreams will not come true. I can't find the meaning in going to work at a job I have no passion for, being in relationships that don't capture my heart, and feeling powerless because I can't or won't buy into the concept of money.

I don't want to just buy stuff to stuff down my dreams! I'm here on this plain for a limited time and all I want to do is experience the meaning of why am I here. I used to have faith that one day this would be understood but I feel that everyday I am closer to death without knowing my purpose.

I don't need fame or riches (although they would allow me to realize my dreams), all I need to know is that when all is said and done - is that I mattered.

Drag Me to Heaven

Sick and delirious in bed I stumbled upon a gem of a show that made my inner gay man want to get up and shout "I feel good".

Logo's Rupaul's Drag Race is a reality show that has combined several of my guilty pleasures of reality programming like Top Model and Project Runway into a drag-licious delight.

I love when Rupaul sans drag comes into the workroom a la Tim Gunn to offer his critique to the drag queen hopefuls up against a costuming deadline or when he sashays out in all his drag glory to lead a panel of judges that includes fashion designer Santino Rice.

He gives Tyra a run for her money with a figure to die for, spot on commentary and his feel good ending with the phrase "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love someone else?"

Just don't be surprised if you fall out of your seat with laughter every time the contestants have to lip sync for their lives. You'll truly be in Drag Heaven!

Bringing Courtesy Back!

I'm ticked off. Lately, a letany of perceived rudeness of epic proportions has left me wondering what has happened to common courtesy? Has the advent of technologies such as cell phones, e-mail, Facebook, Myspace, etc. made courtesy an outdated token?

Guess what - NO - it has not!

Since it appears there is a need to be schooled in common courtesy here is my crash course to getting your courtesy up to par:

• Stop answering your cell phone in the company of friends, family, acquaintances or business colleagues unless absolute necessary - doing so tells those in your company that their presence isn't important.


• Return phone calls within 24 hours and not with a text message - if someone has taken the time to call, they need your response in a timely manner. (I'm still waiting for a call from a friend who lives in a region recently struck by an earthquake and their lack of response has caused me to visualize a number of horrible scenarios, which could be laid to rest by a simple return phone call!)


• Write Thank you Notes to those who attend and bring gifts for your Baby Shower, Wedding, Graduation, Birthday, etc. - doing so shows your appreciation for their time and effort. (With the availability of e-cards you just look doubly thoughtless and lazy when you don't!)


• Return e-mails, Facebook or Myspace messages within 3 days. (Beyond this - know that I think you're an unfeeling jackass!)
  

Granted I am old fashioned but I believe that by adhering to common courtesy, technology can bring us all closer together and foster a caring community. Here's to bringing courtesy back!

No Resolutions!

It's another year and unlike a lot of people, I'm not making any resolutions for the future. Instead I'm focused day by day, moment by moment.

This time last year, I was feeling really depressed and it had begun to weigh me down physically and mentally. I didn't recognize who I was anymore and I didn't like my life or what I saw in the mirror. I remember being in tears and feeling "enough is enough"and it was in that moment that I resolved to live the life that I wanted regardless of my current circumstances.

I stopped waiting for the perfect time to start a diet or exercise, I stopped trying to avoid activities that I wanted to do because I wasn't skinny enough, I stopped putting myself down, stopped eating if I really wasn't hungry or if the food didn't taste as good as the first few bites, stopped allowing people in my life to hurt me and STOPPED trying to be perfect.

I started to pamper myself, tried new things, began doing the physical activities that made me feel good - like dancing, started putting on makeup for no other reason but to look cute for myself (even if I didn't leave the house that day), I started to savor and cook new healthy foods, and most importantly - I started to BELIEVE that it really is possible to live the life of my dreams if I BEGIN with the present moment and leave the past where it belongs!

I know it might seem like a silly concept BUT amazingly - this past year I've lost 51pounds without killing myself in a gym, improved my self-esteem, invested more in my family and friends, accomplished professional and personal achievements and have found a new joy in life.

It's exciting to SEE moment by moment my transformation into the person I've always wanted to be!